In the past, if a couple married despite religious differences, usually one partner converted to the faith of the other. Families might insist on it. Often it was the woman who converted to her husband's religion, although this was not always the case. Sometimes it was the partner whose faith was less important to them, or the one who was a member of a religious minority. Even today, some couples assume that their life together will be more harmonious if they share one religion, or other people tell them that it will.

So what if you are asked to convert by your partner or his or her family? If you are already deeply committed to your own faith, you’ll probably refuse. But if you think of yourself as open-minded, or if you don’t have very strong feelings about religion, you may decide to find out more. You may hope that it will demonstrate how committed you are to the relationship, and that it will please your partner's family too. Learning about a new faith can be intellectually stimulating, and joining in worship may bring you both into contact with a spiritual aspect of life which you have never really explored before, and perhaps make you feel closer to one another. But you’ll have to think about the wider implications of conversion, such as how your own family and friends will feel about it – will they be pleased that you have found a new purpose in life, or will they feel bewildered and betrayed? This may be the case if they are strongly committed to their faith. And if your partner isn’t a practicing member of his or her faith, it may seem unreasonable to expect you to join it as well. However, for some people faith is often as much about ‘belonging’ to a particular community as ‘believing’ a particular creed or set of ideas.

You also need to think about whether you will be happy with your decision in years to come. Some people regret converting, especially if they have not thought very deeply about it at the time, or if it has been done mainly to please other people, or to get the wedding ceremony they want. Ask yourself if you would still convert if you weren’t in this relationship. This is particularly important where there has been some form of emotional pressure involved. Some people who convert in order to get married discover that they have assented to a set of beliefs or a way of life that they don’t really agree with. Some find it difficult to pray in a way that is unfamiliar, or find that worship services are almost unintelligible because they are in a language that they don’t understand. Some women may feel sidelined by the new religious community, if women don’t seem to have a public role. Some feel detached both from the beliefs and practices they grew up with and those of the religion they have adopted. And if the relationship breaks down, they may cease to practice the faith.

A heart-felt conversion can be a dramatic moment of transformation, or it can be a gradual process. The first sort, which is sudden and can take a person completely by surprise, often means a new start, a change of direction and lifestyle, and isn’t generally under conscious control. It may also lead to a sense of contentment, peace and joy. It is not only an inner process; converts change where and how they worship, and who they worship with, and there may be new patterns of behaviour, or giving up certain foods or alcohol. Other conversions may be more pragmatic – it may seem to the convert that this is the sensible thing to do, and they are willing to fit in with what the religion expects from them. If one of you is considering conversion it may be because:

• Either your family or your partner’s family won’t accept the relationship at all without conversion. This frequently happens when the woman is a Muslim, because according to most interpretations of religious law, a Muslim woman is not permitted to marry a man who is not a Muslim. It can also happen with families of other faiths; the family may decide to have no further contact with the son or daughter who has married ‘out’ if the partner does not convert to their faith. Shame may play a part – shame that a son or daughter has been seeing someone without their knowledge and approval. A conversion may be seen as a way of making the relationship acceptable.
  
  
• Perhaps you are converting because you know that otherwise you won’t get a religious wedding ceremony, and if you don’t have the ceremony it means that the marriage itself isn’t valid in the eyes of your partner or their family.
  
  
• It may be to please the family, or to smooth things over. If someone in the family has already married someone of a different religion, your partner my want to spare their parents experiencing that again. Although ‘heart-felt’ conversion may be preferred, sometimes your partner’s parents may urge you to go through the motions of conversion, or even to pretend to have joined the faith.
  
  
• Some parents – particularly of sons - hope that by marrying a good Muslim/Jewish/Christian girl, their son will become a better and more committed Muslim, Jew or Christian. Here the pressure on a potential daughter-in-law to convert and to embrace the religion thoroughly can be quite intense.
  
• You may feel that all the main religions are similar in essence, or that they are leading the same way, so choosing to follow one path rather than another is no big deal. But there are significant differences between the faiths, in terms of beliefs, practices and values, and it’s best not to underestimate them.
  
  
• Maybe you are willing to convert and to accept the basic ideas of your partner’s faith, but don’t want to give up the culture and practices or personal beliefs. If so, does your partner understand and accept this position?
  

Because conversion is a public commitment, you may feel self-conscious about it, particularly if you have converted reluctantly or under pressure. One woman said she felt like she was being ‘paraded’ round family and friends when she agreed to adopt her husband’s faith. You may be transferring into a different ethnic community too, with different expectations and assumptions.

You may also struggle with the idea of giving up some of your own traditions and practices. Typically in the UK for someone converting from Christianity this might mean not celebrating Christmas if your spouse feels it’s alien to them. There are many similarities between Islam and Christianity, but they interpret the significance of Jesus quite differently, so festivals which celebrate his life, death and resurrection are going to be a problem for some Muslim/Christian couples. Similarly for a Hindu converting to another faith for marriage, it can be difficult to leave behind practices based in Hindu piety which are viewed as unacceptable or pagan in the new faith tradition.

Some converts need to reject their past, feeling that they must leave the ‘baggage’ of their previous life behind. If you feel like this, or if people from your new faith advise you to make a break with your past life, remember that respect for parents is important in all the major faiths, so try not to hurt your family if you can avoid it. It’s hard for a mother whose daughter refuses to eat with her because she now considers the family home ‘unclean’ from a religious point of view. It is even worse if converts are told to separate themselves completely from family and former friends. How can converts be supported in living authentically, without harming those who love them?

Listen to
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/radio4
_aod.shtml?radio4/somethingunderstood

Conversion to Islam
http://www.newmuslimsproject.net
http://www.thecorner.wordpress.com/

Conversion to Judaism
http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/judaism/beliefs/conversion.shtml
http://www.somethingjewish.co.uk/converting_to_judaism/index.htm
http://www.liberaljudaism.org/lifeevents_conversion.htm
http://www.reformjudaism.org.uk/questions-about-judaism/life-cycle-events/conversion-to-judaism.html

Conversion to Christianity
http://www.cofe.anglican.org/faith/christian/
http://www.catholicchurch.org.uk/ccb/catholic_church/becoming_a_catholic

Conversion to Buddhism
http://www.freebuddhistaudio.com/texts/read?num=009&at=text
http://www.soyouwanna.com/site/syws/buddhism/buddhism.html
http://www.lbc.org.uk/medlon.htm?gclid=CKX3u5ew-ZECFQxcQgod8hcLxA

Conversion – general
http://www.religiousfreedom.com/Conference/japan/Malony.htm
http://www.religiousfreedom.com/conference/Germany/rambo.htm