Relationships between spouses and in-laws often have their difficulties and there is even a word – soceraphobia – meaning fear of parents in-law! Given the extra potential for misunderstanding when it’s an interfaith or intercultural relationship it’s all the more important for both sides to practice patience and tolerance and try to develop a thick skin. With time and patience it’s not impossible for even the most prickly in-law relationship to blossom.

What families so often fear about a partner of another faith is that they will take their child away from family bonds, responsibilities and love. If in-laws feel like this are there ways in which they might be reassured? A daughter- or son-in-law who is not ‘traditional’ might initially seem a cause of shame or irritation by failing to act in ways that are expected. However, newcomers to families can also do a lot of good, because of new skills and connections they bring, or new perspectives which help dilute and resolve other issues in families.

Much of the soul-searching about an interfaith relationship is to do with your family and their opposition. You love your parents and they love you, but it doesn’t stop there, they are the guardians of your identity. When you are trying to work out who you are, what you believe and value, and where you fit in, you are influenced by the legacy from your childhood. Conflict with parents is difficult to deal with, but it’s also a very common part of becoming an adult in your own right and working out who you really are. But causing distress to parents causes you distress too, firstly because you love them and owe much to them, and secondly because of how it makes you see yourself; you don’t feel good or even recognise yourself in the role you are now required to play. Perhaps you’ve grow up in very different setting from the one your parents grew up in, which may make intergenerational conflict more likely. If you challenge the guardians of your identity who does that make you? You can’t very well help wanting a life that differs from that of your parents.

However this is only one side of the story in an interfaith relationship. The other party, your partner, is the person you need to be with, the relationship that makes everything right, that resolves the contradictions and lets you be yourself. And you aren’t alone, interfaith and interethnic relationships are increasing and even the most insular communities are affected by this process, whether they acknowledge it or not.

Nevertheless it’s usually the case that your sense of what is normal owes quite a lot to the family you grew up in. It is quite common for people to make relationships at a time in their lives when they are being rebellious or finding ways to express their distinctive identity, but then at a later stage to fall back on a sense of identity backed up by family, particularly if it turns out that a partner’s identity challenges yours in some way. In a long-term relationship part of what needs to happen is for you and your partner to construct a sense of what is ‘normal’ in many different aspects of life, from what you do at weekends to how money is earned and spent, to the social and spiritual life you both have. This may simply happen with time, or you may consciously work hard to do it.

Psychologists have sometimes suggested that when someone chooses a relationship with someone from outside their ‘in-group’ whether in terms of race, class or religion, it says something about their formation, maybe even that there is something dysfunctional or problematic about their own identity. This is even more acute if the person you love represents a ‘traditional enemy’. Whether you agree with this or not depends on what assumptions you start with, but falling in love with someone outside your own circle shouldn’t necessarily cause a lot of problems.

When a couple have a first baby, they may experience a change in their relationships with both sets of parents. If things have been cool or strained before, there can sometimes be a reconciliation as the new grandparents welcome the child into the family. (Sometimes they can even seem too enthusiastic, interfering or critical of your ways of dealing with the child!) Unfortunately, reconciliation doesn’t always happen, and you may have to come to terms with that.

Building relationships with families who have not chosen your interfaith relationship can take time and patience. In a few cases individuals or families may decide to cut off altogether from the pain or shame they feel about your relationship. If this has happened to you, it’s important to try not to blame your partner for what’s happened, and at the same time to find other sources of support for your identity. Are there other ways you can connect with your community and your religion? Can you keep channels of communication open (as long as it is safe to do so) for the future?

‘Children may not obey but they will listen’ Your own parents’ dreams and disputes are going to be part of your future because if you are a parent you are going to be referring to what you remember as a child, whether or not you are like your parents. You may differ consciously, or you may find you want to pass on what you learned.

How communities and families react to interfaith relationships and marriage varies greatly. It’s quite common for couples to find they get different responses from the two families involved, with one side accepting whilst the other is opposed to their choice of partner. Or sometimes it can feel like the family and community will accept your relationship but only on condition that the partner who is an ‘outsider’ gives up his or her own identity completely in order to ‘fit in’.
You can’t help the differences of culture reflected in your family and community’s attitudes to you and your relationship, but understanding and recognising them can help you both cope more wisely and fairly. There are numerous studies and theories of how people in different cultures tend to relate to those in and outside their group, one which is quite accessible and practical is that of Geert Hofstede

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_66.htm

But it’s important to remember also that families and individuals don’t necessarily fit the stereotypes of their culture, or they may be at either end of a spectrum in the way they do things. As people mingle across the globe cultures are altered too, you and your partner are yourselves be part of the process whereby cultures are changing and affecting each other in a number of ways.

Having a partner of a different faith may well change your own relationship you’re your family and community. Where do you feel you belong? It may be that you belong to different circles of people at once, or even that your feeling of core connection to your faith community is strengthened by experiencing life outside it.
How do you both answer the question ‘Who are all the people I would like to have a good opinion of me?’